Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm tired of doing math. I guess I'll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today

   The problem is that we now have dangerous animals wearing human clothing living amongst us.

   A girl I barely know told me I should shave my beard, I told her she should lose 20lbs. I'll never have to hear her complain about not liking it again

   I love you to pieces is a creepy way to tell someone you love them and would also like to dismember them

   Be a lady until you're in the bedroom.. Or kitchen, living room, on the floor or against the wall. You know what, just be a lady in public.

   I NEED JESUS! This lawn is outta control!

   Dear spouse: When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by...

   In Australia we don't have therapists, we have things called pubs.

   What a coincidence! Your wife is my soulmate too!

   Look, I can't take you seriously if you still have your pants on.

   Sometimes I can't remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines...I totally get it.

   Too bad Waldo wasn't on that missing Malaysian airliner, someone would have found it by now......

   dude where's my plane

   when the sun hits your laptop screen, and you realise it has enough dust to start your own desert.

   I know its true love when I like you even when I'm sober.

   I've already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.

   “Wow, this relationship is really rocky. I bet a wedding and baby will solve everything!” - Women logic.

   Apple/Google store just came out with a new app called "Find My I-plane"

   it be cool if that Malaysia plane appeared with Amelia Earhart flying it back

   Actions speak louder than Facebook posts...