Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then sell it and use the profits to by a gun. See if life makes the same mistake twice.

   I have been drinking a lot of wine and crying a lot lately and I blame my feminine side for this.

   I have white friends, but not " Excuse me Sir. You dropped your wallet." white friends.

   America invades a country and everyone starts flipping out, Russia invades Ukraine and no one says a word.

   The drunker I get, the more I loves y'all .

   A real gentleman helps a woman find her panties.

   Yes, those diamonds in your teeth are shiny, but your vocabulary is still limited and now you have a speech impediment.

   She's not a slut, you guys... She just doesn't want anyone to feel left out.

   "Do you live with your parents too?" - Not the best pickup line.

   I'm giving up sex with my husband for lent.

   Job interviewers like an applicant with confidence. Because without that, what's to destroy?

   Once upon a time, I used to worry that people would think I'm weird. These days I'm genuinely surprised when they don't. ;)

   Couples who wear matching clothes should be stabbed with matching knives.

   Long Distance Relationships Are For Fat People

   If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.

   Sometimes I wonder where Thor puts his hammer while he is having sex.

   When I squirt on you, consider yourself baptized in my love

   How many more selfies until you're dead on the outside too?

   Only 20 Java updates since yesterday??

   I'm clingy, but not " Simon Cowell's t-shirt" clingy.