Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people hurt you, think of them like a sand paper. They may scratch and hurt you but in the end, you end up polished & they end up useless.

   I was excited about spending some time on my treadmill this morning, but I don't know where I put my roller-blades. ugh.

   Beer is good but beers are better.

   Remember, Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday...!!!!

   "Honesty is still the best policy, but with a little bit of common sense"...

   You lost me at "Sir, we need your social security number to run a credit check"

   I'm bored, I think I'll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women

   I farted in Walmart and the lady next to me asked what kind of perfume I was wearing

   There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don't know.

   I saw a gorgeous Thai woman on the subway today. I kept thinking, "don't get an erection, don't get an erection," but then she did.

   I am ready to take our relationship to the level of appearing together in a Facebook profile picture.

   If you suddenly find 715 new planets, is that a discovery or were you just not looking hard enough in the first place?

   Even if you live your life as a open book, people will still wonder which pages have secret messages.

   First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.

   Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 four times. It’s that easy.

   To make someone happy, give them three things: Attention, Affection and Appreciation.

   Make sure the important people in your life know how important they are before it’s too late.

   Thank you for the insprational quotes, but back to the funny.

   Warning we now have a new I am so philosophical‎, ha,ha

   In every crowd there's that guy that used to work in an Inspirational Poster factory.