Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just got a citation for illegally parking my pen*s in a friend zone

   Introduce me to your parents at your own risk.

   I think it's cute how dermatologists think they're doctors.

   Facebook just pulled an Obama and started accepting gay ads.

   What if you get to heaven and God is like "Nah bra you can't get in. Remember when you saw my picture on Facebook and you kept scrolling?"

   You know it’s time to shave when there’s more pubes than face towel after a shower.

   Forget Al Qaeda, negative people are the real terrorist.

   For a second I thought Bob Costas was winking at me, but it was just my cat's a-hole :(

   How many white girls does it take to change a light bulb? I have no clue, but I guarantee they'll post a picture of it on Instagram.

   All I'm saying, ladies, is if you're looking for a guy how about collecting snacks instead of cats.

   “911, What’s your emergency?” I… I shot him “Shot who sir?” He said the Beatles suck “Is he alive?” Yes “Try holding a pillow over his face”

   The less you know about someone, the easier it is to love them.

   What rock did you crawl out from under and are you going back soon?

   You're over the age of 12. Maybe use the word "YOLO" a little less. Or, better yet..not at all.

   After sitting here watching all these Olympic events and the athletes doing such extreme things... I have decided I need to get more extreme... so today I'm eating Hot Pockets right out of the microwave...

   i can't sing but I do have other oral talents.

   You don't need a Corvette when you have a big pen*s

   I had over 2,500 friends on my fb friends' list. I deleted every single one of those posing, airbrushed women who do nothing but clog up my newsfeed with the same ol' stuff. I now have zero friends.

   For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

   The people you may know list should be renamed to, the people you may want to block. . .