Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey! Idiot! 74 hashtags is good for your instagram picture! No...not 2 or 3...74.

   my internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!

   The best thing about Valentine's Day is that it's over.

   I am against anything that puts a man on his knees.

   Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

   A Polish Olympian won a a gold medal for the speed skating. He's going to have it bronzed.

   There's no better way to judge potential actors than people on their first date on match. Com

   Snow is herpes of the weather

   if I hear one more person say "its not that kind of party...put your pants back on"....i'm gonna lose it.

   Silence is the last refuge.

   Stalkers are like serial killers; they always want to be in the mind of their victims.

   I'm not sure I buy that, "An apple a day" expression any more. As a matter of fact, I'm completely convinced apples are bad news. Just look at Eve, Snow White, or any pig at a Hawaiian Luau.

   The main motives of stalks and serial killers are Visionary, Mission-oriented, Lust, Thrill, Comfort (profit), Power, and Media.

   They lack empathy and guilt, and are egocentric and do not conform to social, moral and legal norms.

   Most of them had experienced a broken home caused by divorce, or a lack of discipline in the home, and emotional neglect. The attention in the household is on the parents rather than the child.

   Stalking: contacting, or attempting to contact, a person by any means.

   Ok mother nature we beat the snow record now there's no need to run the score up!

   Paul Walker dies in a car crash and the snake handling preacher dies from a snake bite. If I was Miley Cyrus I wouldn't go around any construction sites

   I dont drink these days. I am Allergic to alcohol and Narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.

   DOCTORS WRITING: "﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏." HOW I SEE IT: "∮₪₮￦￡." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Damn Aspirin."