Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".

   I LOVE THE DARK SIDE. They have cookies.

   Can you and Jesus do us all a favour and go find a room.

   If I used to flirt with you everyday and then I suddenly stopped, don't stress. Its not because I no longer find you hot and attractive. It's probably because I received a death threat from your husband.

   JESUS OWES ME MONEY... for the drugs he failed to deliver.

   My EX GF asked me if we could talk about my internet addiction problem. I told her... "Not right now baby I am downloading P0RN!"

   Jesus is the adult version of Santa Claus. #TRUTH

   God did NOT create man! Man CREATED God! #TRUTH

   Every 3-year-old have two speeds: YOU CAN’T MAKE ME and FACE PLANT.

   the fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.

   If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?

   Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a “no girls allowed” sign

   My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.

   Why would vodka do this to me? I’ve always been so loyal

   If you log into Australian Instagram you can see the bottom half of your sunset photos.

   No thanks CVS, I don’t need a bag. I’ll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me.

   Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.

   Some boys will wear dark sunglasses in church, then be blaming God later when they end up being Welders.

   This year I'm getting my Valentine a new phone case. I know it doesn't sound very romantic, but my Valentine is my phone.

   I'm still trying to figure out my wife's logic from an argument we had in 2003.