Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that sh*t quick.

   I spent so many years being wrong and not knowing it. Thankfully I got married so now I am fully aware that I have never, ever been right.

   my Facebook fans are waiting on a funny.... Come on people get with it.

   I'm a real down-to-earth kind of guy. Because, you know, gravity.

   if you don't like to cry to your woes tomorrow, don't laugh at someone's misery today.

   I flipped over to the History Channel, but that was in the past.

   When is "White History" month?

   I asked a lazy fellatio artist how her day went, she said (it kinda sucked)

   I farted on my wallet, now I have gas money.

   If prisons let prisoners take their own mugshots, would they be called cellfies?

   So, Some Congressmen want to force the Redskins to change their name?  They are just upset because their last decent season was 1491, the year before Columbus discovered America...

   I don't think my Neighbor's wife watches porn, I have been cleaning her pool for 3 hours now and she still hasn't invited me inside :/

   TV a silent weapon. It's the downfall ofsociety as we know it.

   As is the below me

   My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.

   I can't wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high on Ebay.

   A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.

   LOOKING to hire someone full-time to take pictures of my food. Private message me if interested.

   So if I wasn't mesmerized enough by the leggings you were wearing that you should not have been, you top it off with icing lined lips from who knows what you ate. Well played fellow traveler. Crazy the things you see when you stop for gas and lunch.

   You need to be slaves first before you can get your own History month.