Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should send "Get well soon" cards to people who forgot to pay their water bill.

   Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down....

   The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.

   Who's birdbrained? They flew south while we are freezing are asses off in this polar vortex

   Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov't gets $40...

   someone to love and someone that loves me. and it would be awesome if they were the same person for once

   It is becoming clear to me that the North beat the South in the Civil War by shooting fake snow at them out of cannons.

   Oh the irony of these ugly and fat mother’s insisting and demanding that their sons only marry a woman who is beautiful and slender.

   Super Bowl Sunday: when people talk over the game and shut up during commercials. Go USA

   Hello and welcome to DeVry orientation.. Sign-in sheets are on the left, Steve is passing out your diplomas,,, thanks & congrats class of 10:47.

   love how music takes you away to another place... For example, RobinThick is playing at this bar, so now I’m going to another bar.

   The first rule of chess club: If you've ever seen a boob you're the hero of chess club.

   Now that's news! That poor rat was yanked out of his mailbox this morning and predicted that all the people watching in the cold were idiots.

   After 7 kids I got a vasectomy... Happy Valentines day darling you don't have to get that hysterectomy

   Guys who say, "We're only dating her and not yet married so why should I pay her bills" need to be reminded that sex is a 'marriage privilege'

   I'd rather have six more weeks of winter than six more weeks of Obama.

   I hope both teams lose.

   We all have that one friend we used to do all sorts of crazy stuff with but they suddenly flipped the script and became a born again Christian and now feel awkward hanging out with them because we don’t know what to talk about.

   Craigslist--the site where I can find anything, until I actually want to buy something....

   You know it's just a matter of time before Corporations pay to put product placement in the NFL games.... Peyton makes an audible "Omaha... Steaks, Heinz 57, Century 21, Pizza Hut Hut."