Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your bed has ruffles and 7 pillows on it, you must be Gay or Married.

   Can't decide what to get my lover for Valentine's. Like, do I buy it a new case, get it serviced or just constantly tell my phone I love it?

   I was discussing NFL football with a friend when he asked ‘When was the last time the Redskins had a decent season?’ I replied ‘I think it was 1491, the year before Columbus discovered America.’

   I have a problem with pain pills, I can't find them anywhere!

   Ride me like the pony you never got.

   People leave, so I keep their voodoo dolls.

   What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except bears. Bears will kill you.

   Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?

   That's a nice tribal tattoo you have there, caucasian man... or should I refer to your Native American name 'Man That Paddles Douche Canoe'

   Keep eating your french fries with a fork, psycho.

   A good girl with naughty thoughts is still a good girl right?

   Facebook is like an empty fridge. You keep checking it even though you know nothing will be there.

   I've got my own personal team of police who follow me around wherever I go out cuz that’s how I parole.

   I don't always eat my boogers... but when I do, it's because I'm on coke

   Either I've sat in a cottage pie or that was not a fart.

   I just had Déjà vu...and you were a b itch both times.

   Facebook is just like soap opera, meanlingless and trival BS...

   Ok body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the "energizing" claims. You're soap.

   At this point I'm guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds

   "That looks interesting. I think I'll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers