Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every since we got a Handicap permit, It's like everybody got one and I can't never find Handicap parking Now.

   Will you be my Alentine? If so, later I will give you the V.

   Why can't I find out anything on Google about this Superb Owl

   Hey Auto-Correct,,, The intensive porpoises are here.. They say you have something for them.. Yes, all of them

   Oh well.. There is still time for Justin Bieber to accidentally over dose. . .

   You are a pain in the ovaries!

   You want to look through my medicine cabinet? Fine. Just don't look through my nightstand.

   Ladies don't call a guy you are not romantically interested encouraging things like "babe", "love" or "hun". This is will only give the poor sods false hope.

   I don't mind if you talk behind my back. It puts you in a better position to kiss my a$$.

   I had too much to drink so I did the right thing and walked home from the bar instead of driving. Then I got busted for public intoxication. FML.

   You called me "Honey." You brought me dinner. You met my family. And now you tell me you are just a waitress doing your job?

   The terminator and my ex have a lot in common. They both said they'd be back.

   When Valentine's day is round the corner, all Forever alone people start enumerating the benefits of being single.

   I don't want to say you're unattractive, but do they have face transplants?

   I have so many different drug habits, I had to write them all down in a book. I call it..,,........Addictionary.

   ts not attractive to constantly look surprised! So get your crayons out and sketch a different pair of eyebrows please

   Its not attractive to constantly look surprised! So get your crayons out and sketch a different pair of eyebrows please

   If you think its hard to kiss at night the lips that chewed your ass all day, you must be Gay or Married.

   A Bagel: A roll with a hole. A F@t Girl: A hole with a roll.

   If you don't remember the last woman you made love to, you must be Gay or Married