Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I get mad at my hand just for the make up sex.

   Look me in the lazy eye and tell me you love me. Other eye.

   So you mean to tell me that speed dating doesn't involve methamphetamines?

   A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich. Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME

   I don't use turn signals when I drive because a lady never tells.

   "What is an alcoholic Candadian woman with no talent, Alex"

   Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you're still alive.

   The other idiots at the interview didn't stand a chance, I wore 4 ties.

   Romance Tip: Throw a boom box through a girls window

   To catch a bus you have to think like a bus!

   It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.

   Florida inmates said to have some crazy "Bieber Fever" today. ‪

   Captain and Tennille divorcing after 39 years? But I thought "Love was going to keep you together"? I guess he got tired of "Doing it to her one more time"

   Bieber's arrest doesn't give him street cred, it actually just raises the street cred bar a little higher...

   Every date is the first date if you get black out drunk every time.

   Since it was on of the most popular apps download and played in 2013.......Anyone knows when Candy Crush is sending us our W-2's???

   Inmates in Miami Beach can now tweet Justin Beiber and poke him on after his Face got booked!

   I actually feel bad for Justin Bieber. No girl should have to take a picture without her makeup on

   Awe poor Justin Bieber, I'll think about you whenever I push a hemorrhoid back in.

   Thanks to Richard Sherman, we have a new word: Thugger.