Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always have skis mounted on the roof of my car just in case I flip it and land in the snow.

   Mus in the 60s, orange in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s... * the history of tang

   Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.

   My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I'm pretty damn excited.

   If she watches trash tv that's how her personality is too

   The only time its acceptable for a girl 2 spit is if its into another girls mouth

   Me "Hey honey, I got hurt at work, Donna brought me to the hospital and the Doctors are trying to save my leg." Her "Who's Donna??"

   "I have decided to stick to love... Hate is too much of a burden to bear" - Martin Luther King jnr

   By the way, that gluten-free muffin you just enjoyed? I lied...it is absolutely TEEMING with glutens!,,,,, HAHAHAHA! Goodbye, Mr. Bond.

   I haven't had a complete stranger high five or wave at me in a really long time. Time to put on a Nutella costume and walk through the Mall again.

   Sometimes, I just want to sitoutside with someone and talk allnight

   "Careful, there's dog poop on the dance floor." - how ballet was invented.

   My wife has PMS and i'm stuck in the house with her. It's the Kotex Vortex!!

   Nice cowgirl boots. I bet you do alot of Ranchy stuff in those Hollister jeans!

   "I have a dream" - Martin Luther King jr "I have a drone" - Barrack Hussein Obama

   I told my wife she just needed to embrace her mistakes. She wept softly...and then hugged me.

   Usually when I drink too much I start feeling like the world revolves around me.....really fast....usally while lying in bed.

   I suggest FB replace the "Like" button with "OMAHA!!"

   Stuck in a meeting? Just start yelling Omaha! Then grab your papers and run out of there.

   I think it's important to have a fitness plan you can actually stick to, which is precisely why mine is to become shipwrecked.