Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it's not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, who is poor

   That's a lovely shade of Instagram you're wearing

   For once in my life, I like to push a cart in Walmart, let it go and roll for at least two feet straight WITHOUT fu¢king turning left on its own.

   Sorry but I need a moment to myself guys. The girl I have been stalking but too chicken sh*t to ask out has just changed her relationship status to "in a relationship"

   Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2's?

   i am not getting any invites lately about any farm, fish, park, mafia or candy crush hope the people who are playing them are all ok ...

   I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the Old West architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

   Ladies, if you want a man to stop staring at your chest eat a banana.

   'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?' Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please? ''Who?' Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'

   Watching looney tunes as a kid led me to believe acme rockets would be a much bigger part of my transportation needs when I grew up.... so disappointed.

   Not sure if my doctor is a righty or a lefty but I'm pretty sure he shouldn't have had both on my shoulders during that prostate exam.

   You can't hang around trifling people, you will begin to think it's normal if you have nothing else to compare it to

   Know when you're drying off after a shower and that last trickle of water runs down your asscrack? Well, welcome to my world...

   Whoever named rice cakes obviously doesn't know jack$hit about cake!!

   Drinking is the leading cause of hangovers

   I really jacked-up my back today playing golf today, I fell off the ball washing machine

   Her phone display is brighter than her future.

   I asked her to take me somewhere I have never been before and she took me to church. :(

   Getting drunk on a week night is kinda like bangin' a fat chick; no matter how much you enjoy it now, you'll regret it in the morning.

   There's no crying in Vodka