Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet Tom Hanks sends a letter to The Academy Awards this year that he signs "Sincerely, T. Hanks for nothing"

   "Boop"... *Zebra walking past a self service checkout.

   We should be able to text 911, just in case you're hiding from the crazy psycho killer in the trunk of a car...

   How do you get a fat girl to sleep with you? Oh c'mon guys... It's a piece of cake!

   That moment when the person you've loaned money to calls you to brag about the big bonus they received at work and is going on and on about how they plan on spending it and paying you back is not on the list

   The only thing Martin Luther King ever did for me was get me a three day weekend.

   nothing too see here, move along.

   Okay, guys. Admit it. You shake your head in disgust everytime you learn that one of your hot female friends on Facebook gets pregnant.

   My psychiatrist prescribed me an odd number of pills for my OCD and I'M THE ONE WHO'S CRAZY?!

   I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

   Just a couple more weeks until America learns which Olympians have the most terrifying moms.

   What idiot named it a herd of elephants and not a stamp collection?

   Stop telling people you got that scar in a bar fight when you know darn well it's from being circumcised.

   Stay away from gangs, kids. You don't wanna end up playing a cop on TV.

   I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.

   More snitches will be able to afford stitches under ObamaCare.

   ving a PT Cruiser says, "I made a 25 thousand dollar mistake in 2002."

   Forget having a gun or a knife. If you want to rob me, just threaten to throw glitter on my clothes.

   The police are searching Justin Bieber's house for eggs. "Take your time." said every rapist and murderer.

   If a road runs parallel to a river, there's probably a bridge nearby. No reason to cross five lanes of traffic, Frogger, you idiot.