Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After searching Justin Bieber’s house, police say his only crime is calling what he does music

   2 hours ago · WOW... I think Easter is getting here earlier and earlier....apparently I missed Justin Bieber's neighborhood egg hunt.

   I just saw a guy wearing uggs get arrested. Not sure what for, but I'm hoping it was because he was wearing uggs

   My toaster just got broken, now I have to eat raw bread like an animal til the next payday

   Am I the only one that finds these new old spice commercials god damn annoying?

   Now why would I possibly want to "Follow" your Spanish only speaking Twitter account? Oh look at that, Ginormous huge ti tty selfies? *Now FOLLOWING Tetas Gigantescas

   My cat just jumped down from on top of the counter onto my laptop on the desk, opening David Bowie "Heroes" on iTunes. And now he's the coolest person I know.

   I do hate big butts but I can lie. I don't want to seem shallow.

   Unless the waitress is hot and with it nobody wants to see a photo of the food you got at the resturant.

   I found a jacket that I wore in 2002 and found a Nokia 3220 in the pocket... It still has 2 bars left...

   You know how people look through medicine cabinets? I think that's weird. I personally would rather look through their fridge.

   Do you ever think that if it weren't for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .

   if you've been in a relationship more than 5 years and have yet to get engaged, face it, you've been friendzoned by your boy/girlfriend. If the intention was there, it would have happened. If it's right there is no hesitation.

   The best feeling in the world is realizing that you're perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed.

   I just went to the bathroom without my phone & had to read a magazine to kill time like a freaking caveman.

   Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I'm having scrambled eegs

   Some days for me it's like I start off making an omelette but in the end it all ends up scrambled eggs......

   People that look through other peoples medicine cabinets? WEIRD!~~ I would like to look through their fridge.

   My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together..... I sh*t you knot."

   French vanilla is just like regular vanilla except it smokes too much cigarettes and doesn't bathe.