Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Governor Chris Christie ran his pie hole for 2 hours, that explains the warmer weather!

   Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air... Don't do dope, kids.

   I've got this really good recipe were I burn the hell out of everything and we go out for pizza.

   I'm not judgmental, so when I see a person driving slow in the fast lane, I never assume what gender she is

   I hate guys who are like "your dating my ex? Hope you like leftovers" like wtf, haven't you had cold pizza the next day? It's the best

   Orgy was going well until I realized it was an intervention

   Just put some trousers on I last wore at a wedding in 2001 and found a Nokia 3210 in the back pocket. It's still got 2 bars of battery on it.

   The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

   My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."

   My girlfriend claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'. Is that: a) weird, b) annoying, or c) unfair

   A man walks into a library and asks for a book on poor customer service. "Go f *ck yourself...." says the librarian.

   When you're dead, it's really, really, easy for you.....I mean you don't know,,,,it's just hard on others...same thing when you're stupid....

   Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?

   I was gonna have sex with you until you said you follow Justin Bieber on twitter.

   hey look at you with your beady little eyes that are way too close together *BLOCKED*

   Scales at the doctors office should come with a hug.

   I'm a lyrical gangster. Or I've had too many margaritas.

   Pro tip: when you wake up, reach for your GF's boobs before reaching for your phone to check your Facebook. Women love that.

   Why does Ellen DeGeneres like dressing like Mr. Rogers?

   happy 2 month anniversary to my 29 open browser tabs!