Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

   Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport

   Sometimes taste is not a flavor, and class is not something you attend.

   People will trust you more if you end every conversation with, “May god be with you”

   Moving to a new place and people will have a compulsion to say, "but, you won't know anybody there." Like that's a bad thing.

   Sorry I unliked your pic. My girlfriend ordered me to do it or I sleep on the couch tonight.

   I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.

   I'm not wrong very often but when I am it's his fault.

   Don't love someone so much that you stop watching p 0rn!

   I'm not saying I gained weight over the holidays... All I'm saying is bring me Solo and the Wookie.

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday... *Usually either Nestlé or Captain.

   Hi,,, I'm here for an oil change and an estimate for $100's of dollars of work that I'll say I'll get done another time but never come back.

   Parents w/ 1st Baby: "Aww, he's starting to walk! C'mon buddy, you can do it!".. Parents w/ Baby #4: "CRAP, HE'S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!"

   We should just "pile on" and ask Chris Christie about the Velveeta shortage...

   If you're happy and you know it share your meds.

   My only stalker is Sallie Mae

   "In 300 feet you will arrive at your destination. But it was never about the destination. You know that now." - Buddhist GPS

   Three Basic Rules of Plumbing: Hot goes on the left, cold goes on the right and $h!t doesn't flow uphill.

   There are dogs that can detect cancer, find missing people, detect bombs, etc. My dog rolls around in other animals feces.

   Fog is just depressed clouds. Come on fog, get up there and be somebody!