Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anti-smoking efforts have saved 8 million lives. No wonder traffic sucks!

   Don't tell me what they said about me, tell me why they're comfortable telling you.

   Why the hell is a group of Kangaroos NOT called a Kangacrew?

   wait....what if the extreme cold in America is actually just Disney’s advertising campaign for Frozen?

   If movies have taught me anything it's that all car chases eventually lead through a fruit stand.

   It's so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball

   It's so cold you'd rather listen to Bieber than walk outside

   I'm just a regular guy, I boil my spaghetti one noodle at a time.

   We need to start naming hurricanes after rappers. People might evacuate quicker if they know hurricane Ghostface Killah is coming.

   Based on how I react when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

   I blame my farts on the dog so regularly that now every time I let one rip, she slinks away in shame.

   Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need somewhere else to hang my clothes.

   The person who invented foldable steel chairs probably starts to cry then shouts “TURN IT OFF!” every time wrestling comes on TV.

   You think you know someone and then one day you visit them and find out they put bread in their fridge :(

   The more complicated the coffee order the more complicated the person.

   My liver is so black it goes to church on Sunday for 6 hours.

   People talking without speaking, People hearing without listening" Did Simon and Garfunkel predict the internet??

   "Kim you're a pretty bride and all, but Beyonce would look better... " (The fear of hearing this is why Beyonce just turned down Kim Kardashian's request that she'd be one of the bridesmaids)

   Apparently “bae” means “before anyone else.” I always thought it was an extremely ghetto word for “babe”...

   Miley Cyrus is already 41 in trailer park years