Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.

   Sorry I set up a smoke machine and played The Undertaker's theme song at your grandmother's funeral.

   My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white man who looked nothing like me. So I totally get it now. Oh wait that's not my waiter.

   i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, you collect it” so I wrote to the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

   Why do my son's socks cost more than my pants?

   After Colorado legalized marijuana, Peyton Manning bought 20 Papa John's stores in Colorado. If this football thing doesn't work out, I say he's got a bright future in finance

   brought home warm beer.. put one on the back porch.. 3 minutes a side.. came out perfect

   Not sure what this might mean, but you can re-arrange the letters in Happy New Year to spell Wary Ye Happen.

   Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation. Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.

   My nephew clogged the toilet and "forgot" to tell someone. His name is Hunter & he blew out a septic system

   Fingers crossed this is the year I'll finally wear a scarf correctly!

   So this blind man walks into a bar,,,,,,,, and a chair,, and a table.

   When the check comes, men reach for their wallets, women reach for their calculator.

   Drugs don't ruin your career. Drug tests do.

   Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take f*cking notes.

   When girls get mad, they cry to their friends. We go cuss people out on Xbox.

   If your ex texts you, its probably because they tried to replace you, but failed.

   Do you ever wake up and just say "nope" and then roll over and go back to sleep

   Studies show that 36% of people rushed to the hospital die on their way. Such a coincidence seeing that 36% of ambulance drivers are women.

   vacuuming my sheets, which is a fairly clear sign that I need to stop eating in bed.