Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to a pool party in 1998 with the time listed as 5-? on the invitation. I'm still here. Wrap it up guys there's so much I haven't done

   First date tip: to add an air of mystery, whisper "she suspects nothing" into your wristwatch

   With everyone off work on this first day of the New Year good reason to stay in bed and enjoy your New Years Hump Day!

   Lets Do The 2014 New Years Hump Today!

   I spend 90% of my salary on my hobbies. The rest I waste.

   red sky at morning, sailors take warning, sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight

   Spring-load me into my coffin. If grave robbers want my gold they have to climb the tree I land in.

   The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

   I'm such a slacker. It's a brand new year, and I haven't accomplished one d*mn thing.

   I cover up my bathroom noises with high pitched screaming

   Ok advertisers, for the last time. I’m playing a game I downloaded for free. So, the fact that you chose to advertise here means your product is grossly overpriced…

   Ok it has been 9 hours now...I wonder how many people already messed their New Years resolution up???

   As soon as they start selling cars that drive themselves, I'm getting a booster seat for my cat, and he's gonna chauffeur my arse everywhere.

   The best part of waking up..... Is Bailey's In My Cup...

   *eats apple while maintaining eye contact with doctor*

   Nutella flavoured toothpaste... *steps on stage*... *collects million dollar prize*

   I don't know how I didn't get pulled over by the cops last night. I was definitely driving under the influence of a good bl0wj0b.

   If I was blind, I would say "That's something you don't see everyday",,,, To just about every comment.

   The only way I know if I've bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger

   Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors