Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo

   I was going to post a story about how I used to love drinking gallons and gallons of iced tea in the 80's. Then I realized, no one wants to hear me complain about the freezing temperatures outside..

   Onions are no longer the only food that can make you tearful. Please add frozen pork roasts that fall out of the freezer onto your toes to the list.

   Bitstrips are like the internet version of Ed Hardy by now.... enough.

   I put women and an abacus in the same category. I can't count on either.

   Call me crazy, but I really prefer the term mentally ill

   Alright, stop. Collaborate and drop and listen and roll. Ice is back with a confusing new fire safety video.

   I'm doing two count downs today. Liquor store to open & New Years! Don't dudge me.

   "Auld Lang Syne" is too good to save for New Year's — I like to pump that jam in the middle of summer, with the top down

   Jesus is so important, that the calendar we use, the Gregorian Calendar, is internationally the most widely accepted calendar throughout the world. And it's based on His birth. Not Darwin's.

   Her body is a wonderland but you have to bribe the manager with booze for admission

   I love you weirdos. I don't care if you're not accepted by the outside world or your own families.

   My New Year's Resolution for 2014: Lift the X Wing out of the swamp with just my mind.

   My wife gives great head...ache.

   May all your troubles last as only long as your New Year resolutions.

   Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.

   Humor is a great way to get a girl into your bed but handcuffs is the best way to keep her there.

   I'm so drunk I could watch Fox News.

   I support the death penalty, but only for the most heinous and unforgivable crimes like murder, rape or breast reduction surgery.

   I have my own clothing line... it's called naked.