Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New Years Day I will be 100, so New Years Eve I'm going to party like I'm 19 @ 99!

   Nothing says "I would rather be with someone else" quite like cheating.

   It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.

   If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.

   Ugh. New Year's Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven't picked out which gang sign I'm going to hold up in photos

   I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge

   He said: Am I the first one to sleep in your bed? She said: Well...., if you actually fall asleep then yeah.

   You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

   My Siamese twin told me the funniest joke this morning!! I laughed so hard I almost pissed himself!!!!

   Tip of the Day: Never treat someone like a queen that only treats you like a jester.

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   It's sexy when a woman wears nothing but a long shirt to bed, it's sexier when she doesn't see you watching from the tree outside her window

   I'm not saying your baby is ugly, I'm just wondering which end the food goes in..

   The last time I was this drunk I got married.

   First woman on Moon: -Huston, we have a problem? What? -Never mind What's the problem? -Nothing Please tell us? -You know what's the problem

   I wonder if Kanye is just over compensating for the fact his mom misspelled "Kenya."

   Sick of people who cannot handle having their beliefs questioned with well reasoned arguments.

   Marriage isn't so bad, when you're in a coma.

   Robin Roberts announced she's g ay. In a related story, water announced is is wet...