Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

   That last fart smells like why I am single.

   They say one glass of wine a day is good for you. They never say how many times to fill it tho ;)

   I can't believe Razor Companys are making any money.....$40 for 10 blades thet cost $.25 to make???

   I love running my fingers through my girlfriend's hair. It's also a great way to let her know we're out of napkins.

   How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

   Give a vegan a fish,,, then never hear the end of it.

   We had our first meeting of the Rule Club... There was a fight.

   I'm white,, but not "donates to PBS public television for $50 a month to receive a Free DVD of the programm I just watched for Free".. white.

   Why isn't cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??

   Just want to wish all my beautiful Facebook friends a Happy New Year. And for all those who get offended by my posts. I hope you die in 2014

   Anybody else hate when youre mad at someone or upset at something they did, and instead of fixing the problem to make you feel better or acknowledge that they where wrong and simply say I'm sorry.. They turn it around get mad at you and make you to blame.

   I went out to a "Soul Food" restaurant for dinner last night. My waiter was African-American and put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now..........Wait, oh sorry, that's not my waiter

   What happens if pasta touches antipasta?

   I think money attracts the females you want, struggle attracts the woman you need..

   you know you gave up on life when you eat your breakfast, lunch and dinner from a "bacon bowl"

   Am I the only person who will admit to intentionally peeing outside when it is cold just because I think it is neat to watch the steam rise?

   The Saints are rooting for the Cowboys because its the same as a bye week.

   I always imagine women have sex like they dance, This is why Line Dancing is so disturbing to me.

   There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable