Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only reason I'd yell at you, is to get me another beer.

   Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything

   Well it's almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!

   Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

   You know you're country if you went mistletoe shooting as a kid.

   miley cyrus decided to go back to work instead of twerk

   My new years resolution is to finishing off in women's hair instead of Kleenex...

   my liquor store owner will be so happy in about four days

   You have the most beautiful lies I've ever seen

   I have heartburn so bad that even the Devil would want out

   I broke up with my cross eyed boyfriend he was seeing 2 people at once

    have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell.

   Listening to wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing,still you say..."I Agree".....!

   The only way to have an upper hand over a woman is to be better looking than her.

   just read that drug sniffing dogs get treats when they find drugs. we're just creating more addicts, you guys

   Someone's gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves

   Between the blue corn tortilla chips, spinach dip, and salsa....I've been crapp*ng out Christmas colors for the past three days.

    If you thought your parents were strict, I was toilet trained at gunpoint.

   The only thing that can spoil my holiday mood right now would be a direct debit order I completely forgot about.

   I bet Beyonce's ex-boyfriend cries himself to sleep every night regretting the day he cheated on her.