Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!

   Call me crazy, but I want more. More sex, more love, more LIFE.

   Why do these guys with premature ejaculation problems just come out of nowhere.

   The world revolves around money, blow jobs, alcohol and pizza.

   Well this morning I woke up in a box under my tree... I guess I should of been more specific when I told Santa "I want the sexiest person alive for Christmas"!

   Who needs a fireplace. I'm watching the yule log!

   Woke up - no Christmas gifts. I guess we all know which list Santa put me on.

   I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .

   "Subpar accommodations. One star." - Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

   Merry Christmas. ..ya filthy animal.

   Merry Chrithmith!!!- Mike Tyson

   On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.

   Marriage ain't a bed of roses. Nothing explains this statement than a man spending the night on the couch /o\

   Spending the night sleeping on the couch with the dog isn't so bad. It sort of reminds me of camping out.

   We should start seeing Valentine's Day crap in the stores any minute now.

   Walmart calls it the "self checkout" line. I call it the "I'm not going to pay for all of this" line.

   Thank you everyone who group text me with Merry Christmas. I just woke up to hundreds of "you too" texts from people I don't know....fml

   To the person who just mass messaged me that heart felt "Merry Christmas" text, I thought you should know everyone says "Thanks". ..All 115 of them.

   "MERRY CHRITHMITH MY ATH!" ~ The kid in the Christmas song that didn't get her two front teeth.

   Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.