Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A mans apology after he argues with his woman is "you want something from the store?" or " are you hungry?"

   There are two types of people in this world and it is easily determined by what they do when an ice cube falls on the floor.

   Sign said "WET PAINT" So I emptied my water bottle on it. I'm currently waiting on further instructions.

   "ENGAGEMENT is when a man promises to marry a woman in a few months NOT when a man gives a woman a ring for 5 years, that is WITCHCRAFT!!!"

   Tip Of The Day # 12232013 (for novice surgeon doctors ) " The way to a man's heart is through his stomach "

   According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.

   I bet Mary and Joseph were like "Gee thanks little drummer boy. Cause the one thing every sleep deprived parent wants for their newborn is a drum solo!"

   I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment" Kathy.

   Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

   Christmas is a race to seewhich gives out first your money or your feet. 

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer.

   That age when you drop a coin on the floor and anything smaller than a quarter isn't worth the effort to lean over and pick up.

   The neighbor kid said "my dad and beat up your dad" and my kid didn't argue the point. FML.

   The way my kids freak out on Christmas morning, that's the way I feel right before I open my breakfast beer!

   I think premature male baldness should be the next race card..

   I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.

   ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ I'm Dreaming Of A White Isthmus ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ .....(Hey what can I say, I have a thing for snow covered narrow strips of land connecting two larger land areas.)

   Twas the morning before Christmas & all across Facebook, friends awake, houses aglitter. Coffee in hand pondering this day & the things that matter.....

   Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this *monster* eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.

   My dog ate your Elf on the Shelf.