Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you noticed that it's only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors.

   Do you think in Heaven there is going to be a "White" Christian caucus? A "Black" Christian club? Think again. When we leave this earth, we leave this physical body behind which includes your skin color.

   The average age of the viewing audience of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is probably 35-45 years old.

   Cougar sightings in my neighborhood over the past couple days... I'm going to lay out a trap in my yard with Journey's 'Greatest Hits' and a nice cabernet.

   "Duck Tales" is the original duck dynasty.

   Me putting up with you is your Christmas present

   When is Dennis Rodman going to realize that he will be executed as soon as the North Korean basketball team he is training loses their first game???

   I will be your Santa if you'll be my hoe hoe hoe!!!

   I'm so glad to be done with my running around town for the day, and away from the crowded bumping, pushing, honking, cussing, yelling holiday spirit during this most wonderful time of the year.

   I'm not a reIigious person, I dont believe in a god, but that wont stop me from wishing you all a MERRY CHRlSTMAS!!!

   There will soon come a time were I can not voice my OPINION by saying,"I HATE vile Brussels Sprouts!!" For fear of offending Farmers and the general population. So consider yourselves informed.

   Ugh,,, This oatmeal tastes like It's gonna need a donut.

   I test drove a BMW and much to my surprise,,, ALL the blinkers worked!................ Explain that,, All you owners

   Scoopable kitty litter makes me feel like the worst gold miner ever.

   Are you all done with your Christmas shopping? I bought a lot more people gifts this year than I thought I did. You know why? I used my credit card at Target.

   I bought one of those cloned (stolen form Target) credit cards on the black market and as luck would have it, I ended up buying my own.

   you have 1 more see whats left,been damaged, left for dead, returned already what the heck is that? shopping day left!

   "Drinky poos"- What a girl calls a drink to try and be cute. "Drinky poos"-What a man has the morning after a night of drinking!!

   new way for a woman to get even with her ex....take his credit card & go on a shopping spree at target