Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me

   pizza is the only love triangle I want

   im not sure if I'm hungry but I'm gonna eat anyway just in case

   When Obama was talking about " Change" in his Inaugural speech I didn't realize he was talking about that's all we would have left in our pockets.

   "Try googling Google and then hit lucky.....then Bing Bing, and Yahoo Yahoo. If you really bored Bing Google then Google Bing Yahoo" - me at the bar talking to a nerdy girl drunk!

   Obama and Jerry Jones need to get together and figure out what they are doing wrong with America and America's Team.

   this fat free dinner taste like sadness!

   I post political status on Facebook just to watch my friends battle each other like it's The Crips Vs Bloods...

   K. K .K members never turn their TVs off cuz they don't want the screen to be black

   Kant Know Anything West aka Kanye West

   My parents think I'm bad, but if they saw how half my friends treat their parents, they'd appreciate me more.

   If you can't be happy, at least you can be drunk.

   No honey, I didn't invite you hiking just because you're fat, and bears will target you first. I also think you make great trail mix.

   I didn't say I hope you choke on your next meal. I said, I hope theres some reruns of Ally McBeal. Silly. -when adult rhymes save marriages

   The only reason I talk to my family is because I know eventually I'm going to need a new liver. It's ironic because they're why I drink.

   I don't get angry....I get drunk & plot.

   How to tell if a girls mad at you: 1. Shes telling you she's not mad at you.

   Today a homeless man stuck a hand out at me and said 'spare change'His hand was empty, I think the pr!ck was teasing me, so I took his dog

   *Buys Mega-Millions ticket, waits to be hit by a comet*

   If you insist on always looking on the bright side of things then you better have sunglasses on.