Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to complain aobut how much a cup of coffee was at Starbucks... after seeing how much a "cup" is at the VIctoria Secret Fashion show, I'm getting a GREAT deal at Starbucks...

   The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.

   I'd play more video games if I didn't have a fully functioning pen*s.

   I always say "happy holidays" because I'm not sure if people celebrate anxiety or depression.

   If I ever win the lottery, I'd stay the same person I am today. My poor decisions, however, will become gloriously epic.

   just inbox me if you wanna ask something avoid my wall

   You want to put friendship to the test? Put both your spouse and your dog in the trunk of the car for an hour. Open up the trunk to see who's really happy to see you.

   Dear Kanye West,--- Take the diaper off your daughter and put it around your face. A lot of crap has been coming from it lately

   If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I'm going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That's what I did."

   ''Do I look like a motherf**king comedian? Don't f**king heckle me. I'm Kanye motherf**king West. I'm dead f**king serious.''

   Shadows give the coolest advice.

   This woman at the mall doesn't even seem to care that I found a lump on her breast that she didn't know about.

   Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.

   Big win for the Catholic church as Pope Francis takes Time Magazine's person of the year barely edging out finalists tea bagger Ted Cruz, prostitute Miley Cyrus, and worst president since Jefferson Davis Barack Obama.

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Sorry yesterday was the 1st day. Didn't you get the memo?

   So apparently everyone is calling One Direction "The new Beatles." Great, now I can't wait to see who gets shot first.

   If I cut you off,chances are high that you gave me the scissors

   Relationship Status : Packing my bags.

   Want people to leave you alone? Tuck in your sweater.

   I just wanna have sex with someone who isn't snoring.