Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet people at my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

   My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.

   If any of you guys get to hell before me, save me a seat at the bar

   Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.

   Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.

   Women like to preach about women empowerment and equality until its time for them to pull out their own chair, then it's "manners".

   When I said "I'm fine",I lied and I wanted you to detect it. - Women

   Bears are just men who were abandoned by their wives and haven't shaved since then.

   Accept your defeat if your opponent is your future wife.

   No, I don't deserve sex because I bought you dinner - but after hearing all of the reasons why you became a vegan, yes.

   Alcohol does NOT make you fat, it makes you LEAN...against tables, chairs and walls...

   Apparently it's frowned upon to bring beer to a search party.

   Brrr, today is a good day to double-up on the underwear.

   “Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, all over Mrs. Claus's face and hair..."

   Trust me... You don't want my undivided attention.

   In the spirit of the season Miley Cyrus has announced her plans for a television special where she will twerk to all of Bing Crosby’s holiday classics. NOW it feels like Christmas!!!

   I'm so tired of women accusing us men that all we do is scratch our ballz. We do not. We scratch the bag.

   Can you really make the yuletide gay, or does it have to be born that way?

   All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??

   My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.