Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the grass appears to be greener on the other side it's probably because that's where the septic tank is.

   A CUTE GIRL SMILED AT ME AT THE GROCERY STORE I GOT HER LICENCE PLATE NUMBER I'LL LOOK IT UP LATER AND CALL HER

   Sometimes, you can just tell it's gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.

   Sorry I dropped it, but I only hold pretty babies.

   I don't care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.

   It always warms my heart to see celebrities getting into the Christmas spirit, Paul Walker is currently decorating a tree.

   According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading.

   We were actually 36th in math and 24th in reading. This is still nothing to be proud of but it still thought I should make it accurate.

   Ten minutes left in the workday. This is where I use the restroom, and wash my hands for a long time.

   There's a fine line between looking for someone who makes you happy and looking for someone who makes you horny. . .

   You ever notice that the people with the most insecurities are the loudest?

   It's damn funny when a wife think's she's punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..

   If the world was a school, the united states would be the special class.

   Until I have it again, I refuse to believe that sex is still a thing

   Just because I don't like you doesn't mean I don't want you to like me.

   Surprise your husband or wife this holiday season with consensual sex.

   Consensual sex sounds expensive.

   I made my own wine so I should have to pay less - Jesus, when the bill came at the last supper, probably

   Kids, stay in school so you can afford better weed.

   What doesn't die when you kill it? A relationship.