Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Farts are a poop's way of texting, "On my way."

   Thanksgiving is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.

   Some of these girls are getting big headed over the hundreds of likes they are getting on their FB pics from all the thirsty and unemployed guys out there. I know they are unemployed because working men are too busy at their jobs to be stalking anyone.

   I make my coffee so strong it wakes the neighbors up....

   Dear Santa, Please get Apple to replace Siri with Channing Tatum

   Last night I kicked off my shoes, stripped down to my boxers and laid on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn. Enjoying the experience of the new home theater system. Apparently the Best Buy salesman wanted me to take it home and try it first.

   I liked Carrie Underwood better when she made that deviled ham.

   Men and women are twice as likely to confess their problems to Facebok than other individuals.

   My daughter just said when she grows up she wants to marry someone just like me. Now I can't stop crying.

   I can't wait for Tupac's next album

   No autocorrect, I do not want to organism all over her face.

   I bet Canadian cops play good cop better cop.

   I was going to go for a run this morning. Then I remembered I don't run so I put some whiskey in my coffee and sat back down.

   it spelled Beiber or Bieber? I want this death threat to sound legit.

   I call it a date, you call it the reason we're meeting in court.

   After my recent blind taste test, I was arrested and put in a mental institution for eating blind people.

   Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping.....Ha, try online dating

   Saaay, there's that turkey. #bowlwinder

   Some say chivalry is dead, but given the number of times I've held in a fart while getting a blow job, I'd say chivalry is alive & well.

   Whenever I'm boarding a plane, I have to constantly fight the urge to yell out "It's OK, I'm a limo driver!" and then sprint down the tunnell.