Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just finished coloring Snooki's new book.

   When I first got married I would hold my wife's hands and gaze into her eyes when I talked to her. After all these years I still hold her hands and gaze into her eyes but it's mostly for self defense purposes

   I haven't spent a dime feeding my pet python since I found the "Free Kitten" section on "Craigslist".

   Broke folks should wear leggings, What the hell you need pockets for?

   Music should come in 3 genres: music you fight to, music you f#@k to and music you speed to.

   I would 100% support legislation to make it mandatory for all public restrooms be equipped with flushable baby wipes. :-)

   Manager claims OJ Simpson could be Khloe Kardashian's father. And I thought this family couldn't get any more dysfunctional.

   To hell with the over-the-top flowers. Just tell her you are sorry and mean it.

   If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.

   Nothing is crazy if you're used to doing it.

   In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.

   I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!

   The only time a man should dance is when another man is shooting at his feet.

   I'm just a girl, standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.

   People who use elevators for going up/down just one floor should be persecuted.

   If you're not part of the solution, you may be part of the team I work for...

   I was just sitting here minding my own business and a cold glass of beer just poured itself into my mouth.

   It's important to stand up for what you believe in. It's even more important to understand what exactly is it that you are standing up for.

   Anything that involves official documents is a small portion of hell.

   "So what qualities do you think qualify you for this job?" "I'm an idiot" "You can join today" *How managers are hired*