Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever opened up a nail salon, I would definitely name it "Handjobs".

   Miley Cyrus eats Twerky for Thanksgiving..... (I am so sorry)

   Its that time of the year where the work office decides to do secret santa again and this time its under $25....I'm getting my co-worker a pack tooth brush with about $30 worth of tooth paste!

   After the first of the year, my healthcare plan will be a Band-Aid and a prayer.

   For Thxgiving, sent out a noticed to all my wierd family to BYOF menu...that's Bring Your Own Food, cuz I cant keep up with all the Vegans, gulton-free, diabetics, sugarfree, only-carbs diet, no-carbs diet, and the no water diet people in my family.

   Mental note at work - never be the first one to laugh at your fat 0ass boss when she is asked, "what kind of food she likes", and when she says 'seafood'!.... Everyone eventual gets the jokke!

   What idiot called it "insomnia" and not "resisting a rest"?

   There is method in my madness and madness in my method.

   Why are we wasting valuable space on Miley Cyrus?

   Getting ready for Black Friday. This grizzly bear costume is going to scare the Sh*# out of these Best Buy campers.

   What happened o the NFL? It used to be the greatest game. Now every receiver that goes out for a pass and is breathed on starts waving his hands for a flag like a big cry baby....this game is falling apart just like this country

   I'm pretty sure I just saw a tube clip of Miley Cyrus online. I'm not talking about Youtube either.

   Age isnt a number clearly its a word

   What temperature does Miley boil at??

   I ran to the liquor store minutes before it closed!! **crosses "Run Marathon" off of my bucket list**

   Q: What do you call that ugly blob of flesh around Miley Cyrus's navel? A: Miley Cyrus.

   I'm very confused. I just saw a commercial asking for food donations to feed the poor on a tv show where a guy eats a 5 lb buritto...

   R.I.P Brian Griffin. Family GUy won'y be the same without you...

   I had a choice tonight to either watch the Redskins lose on Monday Night Football or clean the toilets in my house. Since I didn't feel like throwing up this evening I'm cleaning house

   You know you're getting old when the hot girls you slept with in high school post fat grandma pictures....