Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I laugh so hard, tears run down my leg.

   I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

   OK. Who wants to put on a bear costume and go on a rampage tearing apart the tents of people camping outside of Best Buy for Black Friday?

   Perhaps Bieber wouldn't need to vandalize walls with graffiti if the restaurants that he goes to would offer him a coloring menu with crayons

   When in doubt...Turn the music up.

   Statistically speaking, once I introduce you to my family there's a 100% chance we won't work out as a couple

   This status, is guaranteed not to be on an E Card

   Listening to Ke$ha yodel over a country techno beat while Pitbull barks in Spanish has been the most confusing experience of my adult life

   I'm pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison

   i am going antiquing! at my age that means I am looking for chicks

   This outbreak of storms is like p or n to the meteorologist's!!!

   The Redskins traded three 1st round picks and a 2nd round pick to get RGIII. All he has done this year is "Subway" commercials....maybe they save face and trade him for acouple of $5 footlongs

   I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn't ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.

   If a chick ask what kind of cologne you got on you gotta lie & tell her Axe body spray cause she most likely gonna buy it for her boyfriend.

   Just made my CVS receipt from purchasing a single pack of gum into an entire "Roll of Toilet Paper"

   My iPhone is like a time machine. I go to spend a couple of minutes on Twitter and Facebook and suddenly it's an hour later

   The winner of the Scripps National Spelling Bee is awarded an engraved trophy... The loser is given an ingraived plack.

   I was changing the oil in the wife's car whilst listening to the A-Team TV show music on my iPod. Somehow 7 minutes later it seems she now owns an armoured bus.

   It's universal, to point out old skool soda cans and chip bags during classic movies.

   It’s scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer, or, God forbid, a politician