Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come there's never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you've put the body in?

   If I wasn't married, a twelve pack of toilet paper would last me three years.

   More often than not sadly... The three phases of love: 1.XOXO 2. XXX 3.EX

   It would be a good day if one could afford to even shoot their Ak ;)

   My old VHS s ex tape is probably at some garage sale somewhere labeled "Crocodile Dundee II"

   I'm just a girl. A girl who is standing before a man who is standing before another woman in front of another man at Taco Bell.

   Where are you going on Thanksgiving? Also, where do you keep your valuables?

   Imagine the sheer horror in kid's face when you tell the "When I was born there was no internet".

   Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while you are waiting.

   We all at one time or another, were the Gods of Sea Monkeys...

   A Democrat was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She said 'go ahead ask me, I know'em all.' Her friend said "ok what's the capital of Wisconsin?' She said 'Oh that's an easy one....it's "W"

   Headline in the paper: "Woman beats off rapist!" Well, that was probably a fair trade anyway.

   I've got two chickens to paralyze!!! - Eddie Money

   I'm high on life! And pot. Well...mostly pot. But I love life! Probably because of pot.

   Its real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.

   See how everyone forgot... The comet that will be here on December 25th, is just one of Santa's Reindeers

   "Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after he found out Luke has money.

   Oh me? Just sitting around the office explaining Facebook to my Boss...... If anybody asks it's $49.99 to join & I discuss a lot of DIY projects in my status updates.

   I play this awesome drinking game where I take a shot at every red light...and this is why I'm not allowed to adopt children.

   There is no difference between a camel and a moose...unless you're looking at their toes and their knuckles.