Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I am thankful for Rand Paul taking the heat off my joke plagiarism skills

   Tempted to change my name on Facebook to "No Body" So when someone posts an attention seeking status and I like it. It will say "No Body likes this"

   If you lost your iphone last night please let me know. Because I need that charger too

   If stupidity was fatal, it would be a wonderful world and a lot less crowded.

   If you didn't go to my sporting events growing up,,,,,, you're dad to me.

   Tempted to change my name on Facebook to Benefits so when someone adds me it will say "You are now friends with Benefits."

   Pro Tip ~~ Do not make popcorn in laundromat dryers.. It really affects the flavor.

   If you ever get angry at one of my posts, the last thing you should do is tell me about it. That just makes it even funnier for me

   It's like my father used to say "Go get that rock over there... I promise I won't drive away this time."

   Today, I found a potato chip that looked exactly like Jesus.. Then I remembered nobody knows what Jesus actually looked like... So I ate it.

   I Just watched guy put a wheel barrow in his shopping cart at the Home Depot.... *I'm just going to let that sit here and sink in.*

   Sweet Lord Almighty, thanks to this European Satellite that fell on top of my trailer, I can now cancel Direct Tv

   I confess, for years I thought "assless chaps" were skinny British dudes

   My Neighbor mows his lawn every Sunday morning at 7:00am sharp! So tonight I'm listing his mower for sale on Craigslist at 11:00pm for only $5.00. That should keep his phone ringing most of the night!..........(sleeping in tomorrow!)

   Why do people with the most to say contribute the least???

   Day 10....I am thankful for Veterans......

   Sometimes life is like a profile picture....you have to ''crop'' people out that no longer deserve to be ''in the picture"

   Taking applications for a booty call and unless I get attached, don't get attached, thank you lol. . .

   There are people I meet I could write a beautiful novel about, than there are those I could write a murder mystery about and have them die a horrible death. . .

   My kisses are wet no matter which lips I use.