Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a pair or shorts is big enough to spell "Bootylicious" across the back, chances are it's not.

   It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."

   Maybe women would be happier on their periods if someone invented tampons that vibrate..

   i wonder if the Pillsbury Doughboy has a Facebook account &when his friends "poke" him he makes the little noise like in the commercials

   Everybody out there, have lots of sex

   I haven't seen this much white powder fall from the sky since I partied with scar face and he sneezed in his pile of coke.

   Sober me will always have your back….Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn f*cking a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

   If my girl tell me she hanging with her guy friends I hope it's six of them so they can carry her casket.

   Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

   Majority of people prepared to die for their rights are also willing to lie to avoid their responsibilities.

   Silence is the most intolerable of answers.

   Flattery and insults raise the same question: what do you want?

   my wife ran off with my best friend. I sure miss him

   There are times when Facebook makes you thankful for distance.

   Show me you're pushy. - Sean Connery

   Marriage is grand. Divorce is a 100 grand...

   funny jokes must be a Monday thru Friday job. zzzz

   Tip: make your woman feel beautiful, but not so beautiful that she thinks she can do better.

   If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.

   Eminem is 41 years old what the hell.