Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God has blessed me with an ability to pretend like I'm shopping in your store when I'm really just here to use the toilet.

   Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are officially more embarrassing than my dad.

   My alarm clock went off...I reached over and I guess I must have hit the "throw yourself against the wall and break into a thousand pieces" button.

   Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus

   Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....

   When I see a a piece of bruised fruit at the market, I hold it close, give it a soft hug and gently whisper "Who did this to you?"

   everybody is believing the Facebook privacy policy. Doesn't matter, the NSA owns it anyway.

   Teach your kids about taxes and social security by taking 30% of their Halloween candy and promising to give part of it back in 70 years.

   If you are someone who insists on talking on the phone rather than texting, I’m sorry but, we can’t be friends

   Men underestimate us we reach our full potential which is crazy illogical overeactions.

   If I don't clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

   I Shout out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a mans attention.. Stay classy!!

   Voting is like pressing the walk button at an intersection. It doesn't change anything, but if you wait long enough you'll get the white guy

   My pregnant blond girlfriend found out she was having twins, she started cry, and said I don't want to wait 18 months for twins to be born.

   Jesus says to John come forth I'll give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster

   The only reason Barbie never got pregnant, was Ken came in a different box.

   He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

   When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.

   Always tell your daughters they're beautiful, and you love them. There's enough selfies on Facebook already.

   Angry sex is way better than an angry blow job.