Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The black iPhone is better at stealing WiFi.

   All I want is someone who knows where all my stuff is when I am missing it.

   I planned on being productive today, then the voice in my head laughed and laughed and we took a nap.

   This Lady in a Hummer at the next pump was b*tching about gas prices on a gold iPhone holding a Starbucks. Long story short I need bail money.

   It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.

   FYI: You find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW

   I hate being petty and wishing misfortune on others, but some days it's just necessary...

   It's official! I just bought my first bag of Halloween candy...that will NOT make it to Halloween.

   The two major causes of depression are: a) having a wife, and b) not having a wife.

   Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.

   "He's alright when you get to know him" .. Translation:.. "He's a twat, but you'll get used to him"

   And then God presented to Moses two antacid tablets, saying, "Thou shalt not eat the spicy Doritos locos taco."

   How have Christians not used the "dinosaurs died off because they were all gay" argument yet?

   Rihanna and Miley Cyrus could learn a great deal from other female musicians who don’t need to be naked to sell their music like Justin Bieber!

   Love you unconditionally? Hmmm, no I have some conditions.

   If I don't hear from you at least every 2 hours, I will assume you hate me and the feeling shall be mutual. I can't control my crazy.

   Relationship status: I drink to tolerate you.

   Yes, I said I love you, but I meant it in the drunk kind of way.

   Don't judge my Playboy subscription, You "Fifty Shades of Grey" reading Harlots!

   If you shake it more than twice you're advertising.