Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the zombie apocalypse finally starts, I am running straight to the graveyard to play the most epic game of whack-a-mole ever.

   We should throw a politician in jail every day for the next 10 years. Even if we don’t know why, they do.

   As I looked at my wife in her coma, I said to the doctor, 'That's it. Turn off the machine, I've given up hope'. 'Sir', he replied 'Your wife has been in that coma for 6 minutes'.

   Well son,,, They called it a bra because booby trap was already taken

   Paid all my bills tonight and I'm still hood rich. Lol Going to by me a gum ball in the morning. Woowhoo

   Just found out I got another A in my daughter's science class.

   She was so inoffensive that didn't used to harm a fly; the problem was I wasn't a fly.

   I fell on the floor last night... good thing the 5 second rule didn't apply

   I say we give them 1 more day and if they can't come to an agreement then we initiate the 1st U.S. Hunger Games.

   I like to argue with my wife until I ask her "What do you want me to do?" and she responds "Nothing." Free pass to lay on the couch and drink beer... mission accomplished.

   Grocery stores on Army bases in the U.S. are closed. The golf course at Andrews Air Force base is open.

   Yes I've always wished that America was still part of England... I've never been a fan of good dental hygiene...

   Driving isn't even in the top 5 things I'm thinking about when I'm driving.

   What's the cheapest kind of meat?... Deer Balls, They're under a Buck!... *Drops mic.,, Cries behind stage*

   You must be a Jedi Master...cuz yodalicious....

   If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..

   My friend was upset that he lost out on a promotion at work to an attractive older woman. I told him not to cry over skilled MILF.

   I'm convinced some people are so dead inside that if you cut them they'd bleed black.

   Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.

   If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.