Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want a closed-casket funeral when I die. And in case anyone opens it, I want one of those boxing gloves on a spring to shoot out.

   It was said that Fast Luke had the quickest hand in the West. Too bad everyone else used guns. Luke's final words reportedly were "pew, pew"

   Overview of my résumé: 1. Quick eater 2. Extensive knowledge of Parkour 3. Argumentative 4: Fired from McDonalds 5: Am I a multi tasker, (I can sneeze and pee at the same) 6: leading my Fantasy Football league..

   I know just enough Spanish to buy the drugs I like.

   I'm really starting to regret my io6 tattoo...

   You make me want to be better at avoiding you.

   Canadian bar fights are just two men insisting on paying each other's tabs.

   So I send you numerous lives on candy crush, you flirtatiously Thank me and suddenly we're only "just friends".

   Some days I can't get my earbuds in far enough.

   A unicorn is a Mexican chick with no kids.

   You can take my advice, I’m not going to use it.

   Blue jeans are illegal in North Korea because they are a symbol of American imperialism.

   Goodnight IRS...Goodnight DHS...Goodnight CIA... Goodnight NSA...Goodnight FBI...Goodnight Barack...Goodnight John Boy.

   Meaningless statistics are up 17% today

   I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I'm not sure whether to believe this or not.

   I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.

   Wife wanted to see my posts... We laughed and laughed... I made a run for it, and I got 2 blocks... Running is hard.

   Two lepers went fishing. One cast his arm in and the other laughed his head off.

   Have you heard about the blind hooker?.....You've gotta hand it to her!

   Two blondes stopped their car to let a funeral pass by..The first blonde asked, "Who died?".The second replied, "I think it is the person in the casket.".