Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saved hours of small talk by switching to fat hoes.

   Has this become a current affairs f0rum? I miss the good jokes.

   To me "just kidding" means I'm joking but I'm kinda serious.

   there an STD named 'Miley Virus' yet?

   I live in a town named Ripley... believe it or not.

   If you say "Reddddddd Robin" Siri says "Yum!"

   I live by the ocean. The west coast, to be more Pacific.

   Wondering what it's like to have a kid? Take a goat to the store. That's like having a 5 yr old. Now get the goat drunk. That's a 2 yr old.

   If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He's got a gun!" and then you'll look like a cool hero.

   Sorry I spilled your bottle of wine,,, all down my throat.

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture.

   “Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.”

   still wonders why my friends in high school all had those plastic film containers and no one owned a camera?

   I got a sixth degree black belt in I don't give a f**k. . .

   Crazy alert: I just read that some girls are buying positive pregnancy tests on Craiglist to pressure their boyfriends into popping the question. If your girlfriend does this, leave her immediately!

   Meatloaf will do anything for love.. but won't do it for a klondike bar. . .

   This guy just told me that I was anti-social. Or at least that’s what I think he said, I wasn’t paying attention.

   If I am seriosly wounded, don't call a priest, rabbi, or minister. Those 3 should be walking into a bar together, somewhere.

   "How to look good naked" - simple, cheap and effective -just turn off the light.

   So Microsoft buys out Nokia, exactly what is supposed to happen when a dinosaur buys a neanderthal?