Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're homeless and living under a bridge you have an obligation to know at least one riddle.

   How come when you see it, it's so wrong... But when I pay $2.99 a minute for it, it's ok

   Nutella...the only reason I buy bread.

   Feeling Ugly...go hang out in Wal-Mart for a few hours.

   FUN FACT: The Middle of a donut is actually fat free.

   i think schools should start teaching chinese and punjabi,since thats the only people that work at tim hortons!

   this girl I'm seeing hates when I stalk her,well I'm not actually dating her yet.

   Nothing says Responsibility like a woman taking her birth control pill with a shot of Tequila.

   No one will ever love you as much as I don't.

   Relax, You're not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.

   My ex-girlfriends favorite bird was the swallow.

   The key to successful relationships is to not start one.

   I would like my tombstone to read: I told you guys I didn't feel good.

   We used to watch the news to find out the truth. If you're looking for the truth now, the last thing you'd want to watch is the news.

   It's not a real marriage if you crossed your fingers during the ceremony. RIGHT??

   The church squeezes money out of the people by promising them happiness in the next life if they accept misery and exploitation this one.

   Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow's milk.

   He who pays the priest controls the sermon.

   Coca-Cola contained Coca (cocaine) from 1885 to 1903, today the company uses a 'secret' ingredient to keep it product addictive.

   Squirting: A lie women with poor bladder control came up with to pee on our beds/faces.