Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First Lil’ Wayne has a major seizure and now Chris Brown? Someone is out to kill horrible musicians. It's quite elementary my dear Watson.

   Nicki Minaj sits in front of a mirror, slowly removing her makeup to reveal Ja Rule. A single tear rolls down his cheek.

   Cool...I just won an award for laziness,.. I sent a buddy to pick it up for me...

   Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.

   Children are often spoiled because no one will spank Grandma.

   You buy her a gift. She sleeps with you. The similarity here is that the s-e-x is also a gift since both things center on something coming in a box.

   There's nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a cashier girl in mall, grocery stores, or McDonald's, Subway...

   Penny for your thoughts...five bucks if they're dirty..

   I just threw my clothes away and bought my garbage to the laundry mat

   What would happen if you hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   My girlfriend says that a small pěis won’t affect our relationship. Whether she’s right or not, I’d prefer it if she didn’t have one at all!

   Twinkies are like Val Kilmer, bloated, saturated in fat, and no one’s had them in their mouth since the 80's.

   Teacher asks Billy; “If you have five candies and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?” Billy; “Five”

   The best way to a woman's heart is by saying three words ''- You lost weight...!!!!

   Joe Biden walks nervously into the grocery store by himself for the first time. He asks the clerk, "where are the snowman noses?"

   I want my kids to be as lazy as me but I'm unwilling to put in the work.

   Hey Guys, never chase women. Chase your dreams and women will follow.

   People with boring Facebook profiles need to stop making the situation worse and awkward by further creating Facebook Pages which they constantly beg us to like.

   Come on guys! I've had to deactivate facebook due to the pressure

   I buy all my guns from a dude named T-Rex........... Yeah He's a,,, small arms dealer