Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ariel is a lot less attractive once you realize she swims around in her own poop water.

   Two red blood cells met and fell in love. But alas,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, it was in vein.

   I heard it's pretty hard to get a medical marijuana card. I'll be right back, I'm gonna go jump off my roof!

   Nothing is worse than the silence after I say Hi-lo to a pretty girl...

   The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked..... Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

   The Prince in Cinderella thinks he is so macho smooth!... He notices womens shoes and wears epaulettes...yea...thatll throw off the gaayy vibe

   "Beauty without intelligence is like a masterpiece painted on a tissue paper." Yeh, compasionate wisdom lasts longer than beauty. At least you don't get on people's nerve with your childish behaviour.

   When the temperature drops 15 or 20 degrees I am going to go outside and see what I didn't do today! Just saying.

   I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.

   I have this strange feeling that my nemesis is gonna show up to my funeral and play nothing but Nickelback. well played sir .#afinalfckyou

   A procrastinator's work is never done...

   Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.

   I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.

   Your perception of me is a reflection of you.

   If anyone needs to get a clue, I have an extra one in my desk.

   Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?

   How to tie the strongest knot ever? Step 1: Put your headphones in your pocket. Step 2: Wait 1 minute.

   I'll be doing my Facebook posts telepathically today, so if you think of something funny that was me.

   NEVER mix internet p0rn and mountain dew. Trust me on this one

   If today drags anymore, it's going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress