Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Double dates are fun and games til you're too drunk to remember which girl is yours.

   I have got to stop wearing my sunglasses when I go out on the boat, I'm starting to look like a raccoon

   What you never want to hear at a rest stop out of the stall next to you: "OK, let's see if this flushes."

   I'd never leave my wife. She knows too much.

   Don't twerk in front of me and expect me not to gravitate towards that ass

   To the world you may be one person but to me you are an ass-hole.

   Prison pen pals: Because the odds of getting murdered just aren't high enough.

   Ladies, please send me your height, weight, and body mass index. So I can calculate the amount of alcohol needed for you to think I'm sexy.

   It takes me a week to return a phone call, but I will knock over a baby to get to my phone if I even think I hear a Facebook notification

   If people looked like their personalities Kim Kardashian would be Lord Voldemort.

   Get naked. I'm ready to ruin your loneliness.

   90% of my workout consist of me finding the rite song, 9% trying to bend down to put my shoes on, and 1% kicking off my shoes to crawl into bed!

   They gave Obama bobbleheads to all fans 18 and over today at Tiger stadium.

   Just seen a Cheerios commercial with an interracial family so I've eaten my last bowl of Cheerios.

   Bingo stands for: Bored idiots now growing old.

   I'm in a serious relationship with my wifi. You could say we have a…nice connection.

   Whenever a girl says Hi to me, I start shouting "Stranger Danger" over and over...

   You can never own too many cell phone chargers.

   Apparently anal sex is illegal in Iceland. Sadly enough for the American tax payer it's not an issue

   Hello Acme? Me again, I'm gonna need a rocket and some roller skates.. Yeah & a sign with the word yikes on it... No I still haven't caught him