Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..

   Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we're liking Facebook posts as fast as we can.

   If I were a bee, I'd give you all my honey. Then I'd be in big trouble with the queen. I'd get excommunicated from the hive..... Thanks a lot.

   McDonald's Management Rule #23: "The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times."

   Being a slut won't solve your problems, it might solve mine, but it won't solve yours.

   And for my next trick, I will turn these bottles of wine into an evening of questionable decisions, off-key singing and a massive hangover. My panties may also magically disappear. Can I get a volunteer from the audience to help me?

   Her blackened teeth, facial hair and deplorable homemade titty tattoos reminded me once again of why our nation is the greatest in the world.

   If America was a car, our "Check President" warning light would be on!!

   If two people are happy together... you leave them the fu&k alone.

   If the makers of Peeps would make marshmallow yoga mats I would totally do yoga or sit at home and eat mat all day.

   Ladies; If your boyfriend is shorter than 5'5 he's not your man, he is your minion.

   Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.

   It's our 6 year anniversary today. I bought her flowers, a cake and went out for dinner at her favorite restaurant. But the evening was ruined when we ran into my wife!

   I never win an argument with my wife, I survive them.

   Kanye West would be folding sweaters at the Gap right now if Tupac and Biggie were still around.

   I am sorry, I can't be a part of this diabolical act. Just kidding. I'll get the shovel.

   Oh you find it offensive? I find it funny... that's why I'm happier than you douchebag.

   Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan they can continue to talk about being a vegan for another 10 minutes?

   Just because you made her wet doesn’t mean the job is over, get your head back down there rookie.

   Just a few more weeks without sex and I win another cat.