Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   remember before facebook when you would take a picture of your dinner, get it developed and take it to all your friends houses and show them?. Me neither.

   Just fetched the first watermelon of the year from my garden, so I get it royal baby fans. I totally get that sh*t.

   Well sir, I doubt everyone will be so upset my desk is "infested" with caterpillars once the office is "infested" with beautiful butterflies!!

   It's so hot out, Jehovah's Witnesses are telemarketing.

   I've got hoes in different area codes. (Yes I'm very careless with my gardening tools.)

   We're sorry, but this funny p0st is not available from your country.

   My husband picks fights with me like he doesn't even value half of all his assets.

   If you don’t believe in gay marriage, don’t marry a gay person.

   Instead of Petronella your parents should have named you Psychonella.

   I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I'm not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.

   Don't litter your chaos and drama all over other people's lives.

   Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.

   Kate Middleton Is Now Officially A MILF

   Better to have loved and lust, than to never have lusted at all.

   Whatever, England. Our Kate had eight children.

   Strange to have so many people focused on a single woman's pregnancy who are not Texas republican lawmakers...

   Enough about the #RoyalBaby. Where's Aunt Pippa??

   What do you call 10 white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA.

   Sometimes, I think women should be kept on the wall with a large sign that reads, "Break glass in the event of horny".

   After spending the night with a stripper named KARMA last night, the phrase "Karma is coming for you" took on a whole new meaning!