Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...

   water is the leading cause of drowning...

   Breaking news: The Detroit Tigers file for Little Leauge.

   Our ancestors created America to get away from the crown. We shouldn't have to hear, and we don't give a puck about, the royal baby.

   Dear Kate Middleton, Thank you for knocking Trayvon Martin off my TV screen.

   Duchess Kate, Ima let you finish, but the Virgin Mary had the greatest Royal Baby of all time.

   The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.

   After a certain point, the 'F' on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.

   Honey, guys don't want to get with you because you're hot, they want to get with you because you're easy. Know the difference.

   My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.

   He died doing what he loved; failing to deploy a parachute.

   Just name the damn royal baby Monday since everyone hates it already.

   The Royal Baby is already promised to marry into the Lannister family.

   Somewhere in London, a princess is pooping on a delivery table. Just keeping it real, folks.

   BREAKING: George Zimmerman says he's "keeping an eye on" the Royal Baby, will let us know if anything seems suspicious

   You realize like, billions of women have done the same damn thing right?

   I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.

   The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows Sincerely & does exactly as he says is a PHOTOGRAPHER !!!

   This just in...Goerge Zimmerman resues cat from tree!!

   I'm surprised people don't use photoshop to also clean the house in the background of all these fake photos they upload